With every glance into my past, I’m confronted with some kind of question.
Questions like, “at what point did I become so troubled” or “how did trouble happen to find me”? Looking back I can’t believe how naïve and lost I was as a person. Having come from parents who figured they could substituted love with material things, I was financially set, though knew little to nothing about love or affection. For nineteen years I embraced and endured emotional and physical abuse, not knowing such a lifestyle was wrong. I had no clue of the things my life was missing; remember I figured I actually already had everything.
I met the soon father of my children when I was 19 years old. He and I moved away from California (hometown) and relocated in Lubbock, Texas. I gave birth to my first child at twenty and by the time I reached twenty-four, God had blessed me with three beautiful daughters. Due to my then state of mind, I met each of my pregnancies with fear, fearing the unknown. Experiencing for the first time financial instability, at each new arrival it frightened me not knowing how I was going to provide and care for my child. Due to such conditions, I never got to experience the excitement and joy associated with most new or reoccurring mothers. I found myself at a point that I couldn’t even take care of myself. I felt lost, worried and alone. Thanks to my upbringing or lack of, I had to literally teach myself everything. Things like how to get a job, for I knew nothing of the steps to obtain employment. My yearning for friendship led me to start accepting people in my life, with little knowledge of who or what they were. Never did I consider the level of influence they would have on me. Not long afterwards, I became involved in a felony offense with these very friends, for which I served 11 months in TDCJ. A setback that man continues to try and hinder me meeting my full potential in the work field. I am encouraged in reading Romans 8:31-32: If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?
Today, I look back not in regret, but in amazement – God is Awesome! He has allowed my past to mold me into the woman I am today. By the grace of God, I am a survivor. I now can openly look my daily struggles in the face and smile, confident that because of God’s grace and unending mercy, everything will be okay. Praise God all my children and children’s children are healthy and living life. I am Pauline Seja, one who daily thanks the Lord for His many blessings –truly Jesus has made it all possible.